39 Years of Lessons and Living...

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or

catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit. - Dawna Markova

I turned 40 years old on September 6^th 2011.  I had always looked forward to turning 40.  I was excited for 40.  I felt like 40 was an accomplishment, a new adventure, something to brag about.

Then it all hit me.  Whoa.   I was turning 40.  Wow.  39 years of life have been lived.  I can’t ever get those years back.  In the last month before I turned 40, quite a bit hit me.  Several rather hurtful family issues, a best friend from childhood passing away, my husbands’ brain injury rearing its ugly head, a failed adoption, etc.  The realization of my mortality suddenly became stronger then it ever had.  “I’m going to be 40.  That’s half way to 80.  Can I make it that far?  What if I can’t?  Did I do everything I wanted to?  Does everyone know how much I love them?  Did I learn enough?  Did I do my best?  Did I give enough?  Did I live enough?  I’m not done yet!!!”  Ugh!

I freaked out.  I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what was happening around me, to me. 

Getting real with myself was mandatory to break free of the panic cycle.  Sometimes reality is hard to live in, at least for me.  My rose colored glasses suddenly fogged up and cracked.  Panic.

So I thought about what I really knew.

I was proud of my life.  I was proud of my mistakes and all that I have learned from not only admitting and owning them, but that I took the time to learn from them.

I love my children more than anything on this earth.  They are my life, my heart and my rainbows.  Nothing in this world is more important to me than their happiness and well being.  Walking this path with them is my greatest honor.  Before having my children, I never knew love like this existed.  I will treasure my children, listen to them, love them and be there for them all the days of my life.  Through every change, drama, hardship and happiness, I will be there.

My husband is my best friend.  16 years of marriage and we are still going strong.  I know that marriage isn’t easy. In fact, it’s hard.  And there have been times when I truly thought I couldn’t do it anymore.  Communication between men and women is so vastly different.  He drives me nuts and I exasperate him.  Yet, there is no other person on this earth I want to sit on the porch with in our rocking chairs watching our grandkids play, then him.  I love him.  He’s my other.  He’s my match.  We’re Michele and Bill.  Soulmates. 

I learned that I can’t rely on everyone, but I can’t expect that everyone will hurt me.  Those darn walls that we put up (sometimes subconsciously) are pretty hard to tear down.  The risk of being hurt is sometimes too much to bear.  But I did it.  I let my walls down.  And yes, sometimes I was hurt.  I was hurt pretty darn badly and sometimes it seemed like I wasn’t learning the lesson I needed in order to not get hurt again.  But really, isn’t that all part of life?  Loving, hurting, tearing down those walls and opening up?

I know who I am and who my friends are.  There are the friends that I like to call “lifers.”  You know who they are instantly.  They have your back and your heart and never let you forget it.  They don’t judge you, they believe the best in you and they support you no matter what.  They show up, they hug tight, they make you part of their family and they never walk away.  Ever.  Then there are the people that show up in your life to teach you something about yourself, and leave.  And I am thankful for both.

    

I’ve had some tough stuff thrown at me, but I’ve gotten by.  I thank God and my angels for that.  I’ve been through more than most in my 39 years and yet I know it could have been so much worse.  I lived through hell and I found God in doing so.  I am grateful for that knowledge.  I like to think I’m a pretty open book.  Ask me a question about my life and I’ll share an honest answer.  My hope is that in sharing, someone else will see that they aren’t alone.

The week of my birthday was awesome, and eye opening.  The people that made an effort to be a part of it are now and forever will be appreciated.  The people that knew I was struggling and just simply needed their presence, their love and made that happen will always have a special place in my heart.  They made me feel special, loved and like I mattered.  And truly, humbly, I needed that.  They have my heart.

Yep, 40 hit me hard.  But I made it and I will continue to make it.  I will continue to learn from my mistakes, and I will make them.  I will continue to love with my whole heart, because I don’t know how else to love.  I will continue to get hurt, because I will never close my heart.  I will continue to give as much of myself and my life as I can, because really, why else be here?  I will continue to live out loud, laugh, be silly and yes, even inappropriate at times!  I will fight for what I believe in, even if I am condemned for it.  I will speak my truth, tell my side and forgive freely.  I will love my husband and children with everything that I am and will make sure that they know every single day that they are loved.

I will cry, I will hurt, I will be afraid…

But at the end of the day, I will always –

CHOOSE LOVE