I've Learned

"We can't learn anything new until we can admit that we don't already know everything."  - Erwin G. Hall

As we walk along our path in this life, assuming we walk with an open heart and open mind, we learn a few things along the way.  Some of these things are easily learned and stay with us.  Other things are easily forgotten and repeat themselves in our lives until we remember and have learned them. 

Some of the things I have learned along the way:

-We all change.  Some people change in subtle ways, some in not so subtle ways.  As we change, we evolve.  Sometimes we evolve for the better, other times not so much.  Regardless of change, the people that are meant to be in your life will find a way to stay there even as they are growing and changing.  They will find a way to make you a part of their lives, even when it isn't easy.  And if they don't, it is ok to move on.  It is ok for you to move on and not feel guilt in doing so.  It is ok to have a happy life, make plans, laugh, enjoy spending time with other family and friends. 

-Letting go is ok.  One sided relationships (be it with a lover, family or friends) do not work.  Sometimes you have to let a person go in order for them to find their own way back to you, if it was meant to be.  And letting go doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring, it means you care enough about yourself to stop being hurt.  Let go, with love.  Love always returns.

-I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.  People may not always show love and affection the same way we do.  Hugs, kisses and outwardly showing emotion isn’t easy for some people.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t love with their whole hearts. 

-When you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.  Even when we think we are completely drained, somehow, when a family member or friend is in need and reaches out, we reach back. 

-Plans change and it's ok.  What you think you want today, you may not want tomorrow.  Be it career, hobbies, relationships, etc.  But that is the fun part of life.  You can change your mind and pursue something new at any time.   You can read and learn and grow.  When you go with the flow, you never know what beautiful adventure you may end up on that might even be better than the original plan.

-When you’re angry you have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel.  Let yourself feel angry, process that emotion and move forward.  Never stay stuck in anger.  In the end, it only burns you.

- No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.  This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to personally learn.  And I still don’t understand it.  There is a distinct disconnect between people that I find so sad.  Why don’t we hurt when others hurt?  Why don’t we make an effort to help people through their pain?  Why do we give up and move on when we see people stuck in their grief?  The truth is, life goes on.  And you have a decision to make.  Will life go on with, or without you?

- Where we come from may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.  Our past does not negate our future.  If we are hurt in our past, we can either hold on to that past pain, or let it go.  We can either choose to continue to hurt others and cause the same pain that was inflicted upon us.  Or we can choose to show compassion and love because we know what it’s like to hurt.

-It is ok to say no.  That is the hardest lesson of all for most people.  I am blessed that I have people in my life that have taught me through their own actions, that it's ok to put myself first.  It’s ok to say no, nourish my own soul.  Putting yourself first, means you love yourself enough to be gentle with yourself and therefore be healthy enough to give to others. 

-You cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is open your heart and be ready to receive love, should it come your way.  And it will.  It may not from the person or source that you were hoping for, but you will be loved.  You are loved now.

-Forgive those who have hurt you by words or by actions.  Let it go.  Remember that when someone hurts you, it’s about them, not about you.  Ask forgiveness from those that you have hurt.  If they can't forgive you, then they now carry the burden that you have set free.  Forgive yourself for words or actions that you may have used to hurt someone else.  Whether it was intentional or not.  Listen to their feelings, own your part in their hurt, ask for forgiveness and find out how you can help them heal.  Then, let it go.

-Never compare yourself to the best others can do.  Hold that comparison for the best you can do.  There will always be someone faster, smarter, better at something than you are.  And that’s alright.  If you’ve done your best, be proud.  Hold your head high and know that you’ve accomplished your personal best.  How amazing!

-When you are faced with a choice of how to respond, always respond with love.  That doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you or hurt you or try to make you feel badly about yourself.  And you can be firm, stern and strong and still respond with love.  Let love be the center, the core of who you are.  This doesn't mean you are weak, or easily duped.  It means you are at peace with who you are and with everything and everyone around you.  When there is love in your heart, there is light in the world.

Choose love

It's the little things.

“Why not learn to enjoy the little things -- there are so many of them.”  -Helen Keller

So often we look to the big things to make us happy.  When really, there are a million little things to be grateful for, to fill our hearts with joy. 

There are so many little things that make me happy.  Some of them:

1. Waking up to snuggles from my kiddos.
2. Seeing a rainbow after the rain.
3. Warm chocolate chips cookies.
4. Singing out loud to my favorite song.
5. Seeing hawks soar.
6. A foot rub.
7. When someone tells me I’m beautiful, and I can feel that they mean it.
8. Lists.
9. Using my husband as a human pillow.
10. The smell of fall.
11. Playing with my fur babies.
12. Those times I can’t breathe because I’m laughing so hard.
13. Christmas Eve.
14. A shooting star.
15. Surprising someone.
16. Driving with my husband and kids, trying to get lost.
17. Glitter.
18. Watching my kids when they don’t know I’m there.
19. When I’m hugging a person tight and they hug me back even tighter.
20. Dancing in the rain.
21. Maya Angelou poems.
22. A phone call from a friend, just because.
23. Belly laughs from my kids.
24. My favorite song comes on the radio.
25. Giving back.
26. When I see love in my husbands eyes and you know it’s only for me.
27. Green lights all the way home.
28. Love Actually (movie.)
29. When it’s sunny and raining out at the same time.
30. Any Jennifer Weiner book.
31. Getting a card or a note in the mail, just because.
32. Seeing deer in a field.
33. A smile from a stranger.
34. Will & Grace.
35. Blue Raspberry Slurpees.
36. Birthdays.  Anyone’s birthdays.  I love celebrating life.

“Never tire of doing little things for others. Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts.” – Unknown

Don’t be afraid to do the little things for others.  Don’t worry about big and grandiose plans.  Think about what makes you truly happy.  If you look to your heart, you’ll find that most of those things don’t cost any money at all.  Most people will find that the things that give them the greatest joy, are free.  Now, pay it forward.  Here’s a list to help you get started:

1. Smile at a stranger.
2. Hold onto a hug just 2 seconds longer.
3. Let someone merge into the traffic line up you are in.
4. Host a sleepover for your friend and do things you know she would like (movies, wine, junk food, makeovers.)
5. Make a phone call instead of sending a text.
6. Visit a nursing home.  Bring your kids.
7. Make a CD for a friend/partner of all his/her favorite songs.
8. Write a letter instead of an email.
9. Hold a "Friend Appreciation Day" and make your friend the guest of honor.
10. Color with your kids.  Outside the lines.
11. Grab your family, hop in the car and try to get lost.  Have an adventure.
12. Hold the door open for the person behind you and let them walk through first.
13. Donate clothes to a shelter.
14. Donate blood.
15. Donate your time to a food bank.
16. Grab your kids and have a picnic in the backyard.
17. Mow the grass for your neighbor.  Not just the elderly.
18. Send an anonymous love letter to a friend.
19. Give a compliment to your spouse, partner, child, friend, family member or stranger.
20. Take a dog for a walk at the local animal shelter.
21. Visit an elderly neighbor and bring them cookies.
22. Bag your own groceries.
23. Let your children help you bake a cake.  Let them frost it too.
24. Leave little love letters around the house for your partner to find.
25. Stay in bed all day, cuddle and watch movies with your partner and/or kids.
26. Go for a walk with your family.  Play I spay.
27. Make friendship bracelets and pass them out to your friends.
28. Make a book of photos with captions and give it to your partner, children, family or friend.
29. Call a friend, just because.
30. Bake cupcakes and take them to your local police or fire station.
31. Make your partner and/or kids breakfast in bed.
32. Leave a kind note on someone's car.
33. Grab your kids, jam the radio and dance and sing like crazy.
34. Read out loud to your partner.
35. Say I love you.  Show it.  Mean it.
36. Clean up a park.  Make it a family affair.

Remember, it’s often the little things that make the biggest impact and create the best memories.

Choose Love

You Are Enough...

"What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly."   Carl Rogers

Am I enough?  It’s a question I often ask myself.  Am I doing enough?  Funny enough?  Pretty enough?  There enough?  When did it happen that I felt I wasn’t enough?  With whom don’t I feel that I am enough?  And why do I let it matter so much to me?

I look back and hear conversations with various friends and family members and find patterns. 

Why did I internalize their criticisms and parlay that into me feeling that I am not enough for them? 

Not a pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough daughter.  Not a loyal enough, loving enough, happy enough friend.  Not a there enough, serious enough, unemotional enough sister. 

Why did I take their criticisms and demands and let it empty me and then fill me back up with questions of not being enough?

“You are too emotional.”  “You aren’t here for me enough.”  “You are too needy.”  “You don’t need me enough.”  “You don’t think.”  “You aren’t loyal enough.”  “You should lose weight.”  “You don’t give enough.”  “You don’t call enough.”

Why did I take their actions and make it about how I am not enough?

*People who walk away and stop talking to me or who change and become somebody completely different.

    

 *People who want me to understand these changes but refuse to accept and love the changes in me.   

*People who walk out of my life but are astounded when I don’t beg them to stay.   

*People who blatantly ignore me but are shocked when I finally give up and move on.   

*People who have no time for me or cancel plans often and are constantly searching for more or better friends.   

*People who want me to stand up for them but don’t stand up for me.  

*People who expect being there, love, compassion, forgiveness and loyalty from me but aren’t will to give it back in return.      

Making sure my children know that they are enough, is a goal of mine.  I never want them to feel as though they aren’t enough.  I never want them to feel that I am searching for more than who they are.  I want them to know that they are loved and celebrated as they are, with no expectations.  I want them to feel that they are worthy of my time, my show of emotions and my love.  I want them to see and feel their value.  They are enough. 

But I can’t simply make sure that they know this, feel this.  I need to know and feel this as well so that I can model what it is to be enough for them.

How do I do this?  Well, I’ve already made changes.  I look to God.  God loves me as I am.  God expects nothing more or less than my love.  And that includes loving myself – which I do. 

I look to my immediate family for love and compassion and the knowing that I am enough.  My husband and children provide me with this daily.  I don’t need to look outside my own home for this amazing gift.  Their love is given freely, without strings or expectations.  There are no criticisms or demands to change who I am.  They love that I am mushy, compassionate, emotional and silly. And when I start to look outside and feel that I need to be enough for everyone else, I remember, here at home, I am already enough.  I need not look anywhere else.

I look to the people in my life that do appreciate and openly celebrate who I am and our relationships.  The people that give back emotionally and make an effort.  The people that lift me up, instead up putting me down or casting me aside. 

I look to myself.  Am I sending myself negative messages?  Am I asking myself questions that have the potential to lead me into believing that I am not enough?  I am careful to answer no to those questions. 

Am I surrounding myself with people that love, appreciate and support me as I am?  Am I looking inside and knowing that I am a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend?  Do I know that I am worthy of other peoples’ effort, time, loyalty and love?  I answer yes to these questions.

We can all make changes no matter how long we’ve felt not good or worthy enough, for whatever reason.  Look to yourself.   

*Know that you are enough, as you are, without giving anything to anyone else or having to change who you are for anyone else. 

*Know that giving, loving and being there for others is a wonderful thing.  But it is not needed for you to feel that you are enough. 

*Know that you are perfect as you are and do not need validation from anyone to feel that you are enough.   

*Know that for every positive thought you have about yourself, one negative thought you had, will be erased. 

   

*Resist letting negativity in.  

*Resist letting others diminish your light or take away your value. 

When you do these things, you are able to be enough, openly.   Then, you can choose love. 

For yourself.

“Do not judge yourself harshly. Without mercy for ourselves we cannot love the world.”  Buddha

How do we not judge ourselves harshly with all of the negative input we receive daily?  From media, friends, family, etc.  Telling us that we aren't doing enough or trying hard enough.  Our bodies are too fat or too thin.  Our skin is too light or too dark or has too many wrinkles and is saggy.  There are constant commercials on the TV and radio about how sick we might be and offering amazing medication full of deadly (quickly spoken) side effects to help us “cope.”  Magazines have us comparing ourselves to the airbrushed unreality that lies in the glossy pages. 

We look next door and think about what we don’t have.  A bigger house, newer car, nicer yard, more vacations, brand name debt.  Our job rarely fulfills us and is a necessary and often soul draining, evil. 

Too often, we pass this on to our children.  Loading their schedules until they actually ask to stay home and do nothing.  School, sports, music, homework, better grades,  friends, socializing.  Pressure.  They learn too soon that according to society, they are supposed to know how well they are doing ONLY once they’ve compared themselves to someone else.  Like we grown ups do. 

How can we expect our children to go out into the world with love and compassion if we aren’t teaching them how to feel it for ourselves first?  To be confident in knowing what we want and need as individuals.  How can we expect them to fulfill their greatest good if they are constantly comparing themselves to someone else’s victories? 

What if there was nobody else to compare yourself to?  What if you really are exactly where YOU need to be?  What if your body, your health, your job, your house, etc. was really exactly perfect – for you?  What if you chose to love your self, your life – exactly as it is right now?  Without any outside comparison. 

Before we can give love to others, we need to feel it for ourselves.  A lake can’t offer water if it’s empty.  We can’t offer love if our hearts are empty. 

Take a moment today and look inside of yourself.  Don’t let in any outside comparisons.  Love your body, as it is.  Love your job, as it is.  Love your home, as it is.  Love your children, as they are.  And show them that you also, choose love for yourself.

Choose love…

Fly me up to where you are....

Of course you're going to see me again! We'll grow old together. It's going to be you and me living in a big house... these two old biddies with all these cats. I bet we even die on the same day.
~Gillian Owens (Practical Magic)

As I sit and listen to Josh Groban's hauntingly beautiful voice, I feel like I can fly.  If I close my eyes, I feel the wind and the warmth on my face.  I'm swaying, diving and dipping in between the trees.  I smell the fields of wild flowers and in front of me, the salty scent of the ocean.  I burst out of the trees and see the glittering waters dancing in the sunshine.  I hear the waves crashing against the earth and I feel ALIVE!  I AM FLYING!

Today, that is how I choose to escape.  That is how I choose love over sadness. 

I could choose to wallow and think about what was, what could have been and what was or was not meant to be.  I could choose to sit in my sadness and not let my spirit fly with the good memories and love that once was.  I could choose to never let anyone else in, to build walls that keep people out.  I could choose to let my ego control my emotions, accuse, blame.  I could choose to not put love back out into the world.

For a moment, I let myself feel sad.  Wonder why.  So many questions unanswered, reasons unexplained.  To be one person yesterday and another today.  How does that happen?   

Life is full of choices.  As I looked through the book of friendship that was given to me by someone I used to call my sister, I chose love.  We were inseparable.  We heard each others thoughts, shared each others dreams.  She was a second mom to my twin boys.  She was my sister.

Gillian Owens: I love you.

Sally Owens: I love you too, Gilly Bean.

She has since walked out of my life.  On her own path that, for whatever reason, didn't include me.  She still has a tattoo on her foot.  Pretty flowers with my sons initials entwined in them.  I know that somewhere in her heart, she still loves them.  Loves me.  I believe that even in her changed heart, she still chooses love for us even if she is unable to show it. 

So, instead of carrying resentment, hurt, blame, what if's and sadness.  I choose to fly.

I choose love.